I like this ritual for several reasons. It is uncommon, so guests are particularly engaged by virtue of its novelty. It transcends the symbolism of unity, sharing, and reconciliation rituals and can capture the intention of all three and more. It is highly adaptable and can easily be personalized depending upon the couple's circumstances, rendering it particularly meaningful when executed well. It is environmentally friendly. Who doesn't appreciate a new tree?

While most couples both symbolically plant and water a potted tree, I have had one couple omit reference to planting and simply water an existing tree at the park where their ceremony was held. If including the planting of the tree as part of the ritual, I don't recommend the couple get down on their hands and knees in the dirt with a spade. With a potted tree, the couple just adds a little more soil and some water. Let's keep the suits and dresses clean, we are dealing in the realm of the symbolic after all.

The details of the ceremony can be adapted based upon the type of tree; the symbolism of a fruit-bearing tree for a couple wanting to start their own family or blending step-children is a powerful one for example. The conclusion of the ceremony can be customized depending upon what the couple plans to do later with the tree. It would be very different indeed if the tree is a sapling intended for the couple's own yard, a donation to a public green space, or a mature tree located at the wedding venue.

Rev. Brenda Owen passed along an excellent idea when I spoke to her about the ritual. She suggested couples could take pictures of their children beside the maturing tree as they grew up. I wish I had thought to do something similar with my own kids. We have the perfect tree in our yard for that! Of course, it does mean you have to stay in one place for awhile. Which brings me to an idea one of Brenda's brides passed along to her. They used a hibiscus tree in their wedding so they could take a cutting to their new home should they ever relocate. Brilliant!

The sample below is not from Cassie and Joe's wedding. It is a fairly basic Tree Ceremony rather than a highly personalized one. I include it to convey a general sense of the ritual. With a wee bit of creativity, the ritual can be transformed into almost anything the couple finds even more meaningful.

Photo Attribute: Images courtesy of Jonathan Torres of I See You Beautiful. Jon is based in South Carolina, but does travel to Florida upon request.
*  My special thanks to Rev. Brenda Owen, Wedding Officiant and Minister serving Northeast Georgia, Upstate South Carolina and Cashiers - Highlands North Carolina. She presided at the marriage of Cassie and Joe at Augusta Manor in Greenville, South Carolina on March 30, 2013. She is a gracious and generous colleague.I am very grateful for her help with this article.

I suspect many of those who stumble upon this blog by searching for "wedding time capsule" might be looking for information about the Wine & Letter Box ritual. It is a fun ritual I have seen done with both professional and homemade kits. One couple made a beautiful hand-crafted box with a nail for each guest to hammer, thereby including everyone present in the ceremony. While ideal for a small gathering, it would probably get a bit tedious with more than twenty guests or so.

A box, a bottle of wine, and love letters are all you need to assemble. I have seen professional kits that also include the glasses and a corkscrew. Some boxes are sealed with a key while others use hammer and nails. Non-drinkers can modify this ritual with a non-alcoholic beverage or use just the letters and perhaps a cherished item reminding them of their courtship. The beverage should be something that can hold up after a number of years of storage and the couple should take care to store the box well. Otherwise we could be looking at the Vinegar & Letter Box ritual.

The most common version is as a ritual of reconciliation.

Officiant: (Bride and Groom) have a view of marriage as realistic as it is romantic and have chosen to demonstrate the strength of their commitment and dedication within the context of their wedding ceremony. This box contains a bottle of wine and a love letter from each to the other. The letters describe the good qualities they find in one another, the reasons they fell in love, and their reasons for choosing to marry. The letters are sealed in individual envelopes and they have not seen what the other has written.  (Bride and Groom), should you ever find your marriage enduring serious hardships, you are to open this box, sit and drink the wine together, then separate and read the letters you wrote to one another when you were first united as a couple. By reading these love letters you will reflect upon the reasons you fell in love and chose to marry each other this day. Our hope is, however, you will never have reason to open this box. If this is the case, you are to open this box to share and enjoy on your tenth anniversary. Please seal the box.
      <Bride and Groom seal the box>
Our prayer for you today, is you shall have no cause to open it until (tenth anniversary date)!

Conflict is inevitable in every marriage, no matter how stable and healthy the relationship is. But not every couple wants to think about that during their wedding ceremony. I used the alternative below for a couple who preferred the ritual reflect another view of marriage.

Officiant: (Bride and Groom's) wine and letter box serve as a beautiful reminder that the love between a husband and wife always has a past, a present and a future.  At this time, I invite (Bride and Groom) to place their envelopes in the box. They have each written a letter to one another. Neither has seen what the other has written although they know they speak of their shared hopes and dreams. May they see their dreams fulfilled when next they read these words. I now ask that they seal the box.
     <Bride and Groom seal the box.>
(Bride and Groom), you seal this box as two individuals. When you open this box in ten years, you will have grown both as individuals and as a couple committed to one another’s happiness and well-being as husband and wife. May the memories remind you of a beautiful past, the fun of opening the box together bring you a joyful present, and the anticipation of sharing call to mind the potential that is your future together.

Either way, this ritual is a beautiful addition to the wedding ceremony. Guests love it and the box makes a fantastic keepsake... and heirloom. How lovely it would be to see your own child begin his or her marriage with your Wine and Letter Box. Gives you goosebumps, doesn't it?

Photo Attributes:
Above left: Barbara Sheridan of Luv Luv Photography
Right: Amber Ryan Photography

 Although it may seem odd to shine the spotlight on negativity within the context of your wedding ceremony, these rituals are actually quite lovely. Your married guests love them!

Couples who have realistic expectations are much more likely to have a successful marriage. Regardless of the depth of your love on your wedding day, there will come a moment in your relationship when you two are not quite as thrilled with each other.  If you are not prepared for such conflict, it can seem worse than it is. If you assume you are different from every other couple and will never experience a serious disagreement, you are in for quite the wakeup call.

All couples have disagreements and we all tend to argue about the same basic things – children, finances, household chores, etc. How we communicate and behave towards our spouse while resolving the conflict makes the difference between a happy marriage and a miserable one, not the absence of tension and conflict. The “happily ever after” fantasy from the fairy tales of our youth is just that – sheer fantasy.

Rituals of Reconciliation accomplish a few things. They give the couple an opportunity to ritually express their realistic expectations for marriage, amuse and delight married guests who know full well what is in store for the couple and provide the couple with a handy repair attempt. What is that you ask?

A repair attempt is simply something one person does in an effort to diffuse tension or resolve a conflict compassionately. It can be a concession, an apology or a humorous comment or action. A successful repair attempt is one in which the other party acknowledges and accepts the attempt with grace. Thanking the other for the concession, accepting the apology and appreciating the humor would constitute successful repair attempts.

I have already described the Bell of Truce. The Rose Ceremony and the Wine and Letter Box are two more examples of this type of ritual.

The Rose Ceremony: This is a touching exchange acknowledging the reality of marriage's difficulties when words sometimes fail. The bride and groom exchange roses, symbolizing the giving and receiving of their love throughout their marriage. The ceremony explains how to use the rose and its symbolism during those inevitable low points in the marriage when we must find the strength and compassion to forgive one another.

Officiant: (Bride) and (Groom), the rose has long been considered a symbol of love and a single rose says, "I love you." So it is highly appropriate you have chosen to exchange a single rose as you begin your life as husband and wife.

<they exchange roses>

(Bride) and (Groom), it may seem you have not done much at all. You held one small rose - and now you stand before us holding another. However, you have both given and received one of the most valuable and precious gifts of life; the gift of true and abiding love within the devotion of marriage. You also make a commitment to select a place in your future homes, a special place for roses. On each anniversary you may take a rose to that sanctified space as a recommitment to your marriage, and a recurring promise this marriage will be based upon love. It is often easiest to hurt those we love most and easiest to be hurt by them as well. In every marriage there are times when it is difficult to find the right words. We are at a loss to express our desire to apologize and forgive, to tell our loved ones how much we need them or how much pain we are in. When this happens, leave a rose at the place you have designated and that rose will tell the other "I love you still." May the you have the grace to accept the rose for words that cannot be found or spoken and remember the love and hope you both share today.

(Bride) and (Groom), when you share the roses to come, remember love brought you to this time and place. It is love which makes this a glorious union and it is by your love you will find the compassion and commitment for your marriage to endure in beauty, strength and delight.

<bride and groom place the roses in a vase>

If during your courtship, you have stumbled upon a unique repair attempt that works for you, discuss with your officiant how you might ritualize it within your wedding. This is a wonderful way to make the ceremony even more uniquely your own.

The Bell of Truce is a great ritual recognizing the reality of contemporary married life. As the officiant, I have the perfect view of the guests faces and can always tell who is married whenever this ritual is included in a wedding ceremony. Married guests love it!

You see, there will come a day when the bride and groom are not quite as thrilled with one another as they are on their wedding day. There are inevitable moments of disagreement and conflict in every marriage no matter how much in love you are and perfectly matched you may be.

This ritual provides the couple with a built-in "repair attempt," an opportunity to gracefully shift the attention from what seems wrong at the time to the reasons why the couple chose to wed in the first place. Although bells are symbolically associated with weddings, I once adapted this ritual to become the "water pistol of truce." Yes indeed, right in the middle of a formal wedding ceremony the bride and the groom pulled out water pistols and shot each other. They brought a fun memory from their courtship into their wedding and presumably, into their marriage. If you already have a playful way of diffusing tension in your relationship, why not ritualize it within your wedding?

The Bell of Truce is usually included in the wedding towards the end of the ceremony somewhere between the exchange of rings and declaration of marriage.

Officiant: (Bride) and (Groom) have an expectation of marriage as realistic as it is romantic and wish to express this within the context of their wedding ceremony with this bell of truce. Bells have long been associated with weddings as their joyous tones announce good tidings. I present this bell to (Bride) and (Groom) and ask them to give the bell a hardy ring while thinking lovely thoughts about one another and their future life together.

<couple rings bell>

(Bride) and (Groom), keep this bell in your home to remind you of your wedding day. When arguments arise, and they will, put this bell to its best use. One of you should ring the bell to call a truce. Its sound will remind you of your wedding vows, conjure up the happiest memories from this day and help you resolve our differences lovingly and compassionately.

If you do opt to include this ritual, I recommend you start looking for the perfect bell sooner rather than later. On-line shopping may be the key to this. I once ran all over town looking for a simple silver bell and easily tried twenty stores before finding a tacky ceramic one at a dollar store. Silver bells are apparently not as easy to come by as you might think!