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I am most known in my community as a minister at the Unitarian
Universalist Church of Brevard and an independent wedding officiant,
but as a Community Minister, I am also called upon to officiate baby
namings, adoption celebrations, blending family rituals, public
invocations, funerals, memorial services and interments. I do not
charge set officiating fees for such occasions, but instead accept a
voluntary gratuity at the family's discretion.
I do not include a sample of child dedications or a memorial service
on this site because such services are highly personal and vary far
more greatly than do weddings.
If you have any specific questions I am more than happy to be of
assistance. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you are in need
of ritual ministry in Brevard County, Florida or have questions
about these types of rituals.
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Dedication Ceremony for Mia
Gagliardo
Sunday, May 02, 2010
I had the pleasure of officiating her parent's
wedding ceremony
and the honor of presiding at her big brother
Kane's dedication as well.
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Rituals for Children
The adoption or birth of a child is an occasion for great joy and a
cause for celebration. In my community ministry, I have found that
many parents would like to ritually welcome the child into their
family but are not members of a religious community with established
baptism rites, want to celebrate the inter-faith nature of their
family or favor a secular ritual.
Independent ceremonies enable parents to publicly acknowledge the
great gift of their child without pledging the child's life to a
particular denomination. Some parents like the social aspect of the
ritual in which the child is presented to their family and friends
and their status as new parents is affirmed. Family and friends have
an opportunity to pledge their support and dedication to the
well-being of the child, physically, psychologically and
spiritually.
Whatever the reason, a child dedication ceremony is a lovely way to
bring families and friends together to celebrate the gift of a
child.
Planning the Ceremony
I recommend giving some thought to the following questions as we
plan the most appropriate and meaningful ceremony for your family.
1. What is the message of the family to the larger community? This
is an opportunity to publicly declare your beliefs and values as a
family.
2. Whom do you want to include or exclude, and why?
3. What do you want to include or exclude, and why? There are many
elements we can discuss including readings, pledges, gift giving,
music, ritual traditions, etc.
4. What are the significant roles people will play? What ways will
you devise for representing those roles?
5. Where will the ceremony be held? Ceremonies can be held in a
house of worship, family home, or public space such as a beach, park
or hotel.
6. What is the climax of the ceremony? (In a wedding this would be
the exchange of vows and kiss) Will there be a final dramatic moment
when spontaneous applause, hugging and kissing begins?
My appreciation to Dr. Anne Klaeysen, Leader of the New York Ethical
Culture Society, for providing most of these questions for our
consideration.
Types of Ceremonies
Baby Naming
Baby Namings and Child Dedications are very similar and can be held
for a child of any age. In this context, the child is not being
dedicated to God or a particular religious faith, but rather the
adult community dedicates themselves to the welfare of the child.
The climax of the ceremony is generally either the naming portion or
when important family members, friends, community members, etc.
pledge their support for the child's physical, emotional,
psychological and spiritual growth.
Adoption Celebration
Children are a blessing and a gift whatever the manner in which they
become part of our family. Adoption celebrations can be very similar
to Baby Namings and Child Dedications, but not necessarily. The age
of the child has a great deal of impact on the content of the
ceremony.
Blended Family
Step-parenting is an important responsibility and comes with a host
of challenges and opportunities. You may choose to celebrate the
blending of your families with a ceremonial element in the context
of a wedding or hold a separate ritual specifically for the
children. Creating a separate ritual enables the focus to be on the
needs of the children and avoids the hustle and bustle associated
with typical wedding turmoil. Symbolic gift exchanges and pledges on
the part of the adults to the children are often included in the
ceremony.
Baptism
Baptism is not synonymous with Baby Namings or Child Dedications. I
refer to baptism as the specially Christian ritual act, with the use
of water, by which a person is admitted to membership of the Church.
As a non-denominational community minister, this poses a bit of a
problem, but not an insurmountable one provided everyone involved
clearly understands the situation. Because I am ordained by a
Unitarian Universalist congregation, this means I am not a member of
the Christian clergy although Unitarian Universalism includes
members with Christian beliefs.
My personal stance on ministry is that it entails "meeting people
where they are." In other words, the beliefs of the people I serve
take precedence over my own - unless my beliefs are important to
them. I have joyfully performed baptisms for families whose beliefs
are non-denominational Christian and feel "the Church" refers to the
larger body of fellow Christian believers and not necessarily a
specific denomination or congregation. I am more than happy to refer
you to a Christian colleague in the ministry should this become
necessary.
Rituals for Grief
The death of a loved one is a time of great stress regardless of the
deceased's spiritual and religious beliefs. These occasions become
more so when the grieving family does not have a religious community
prepared to embrace them in their grief and lead the commemorative
service.
Friends and family wish to gather to remember their loved one but
may be limited to what the funeral home has to offer or left to
figure something out on their own. The former can result in a
service that falls short of honoring the uniqueness of the
individual and the latter can become an added burden on an already
grieving family. An experienced trained minister can help structure
a service for your unique needs, as well as provide the temporary
pastoral care that may be needed dependent upon the situation.
I highly recommend Sarah York's book, Remembering Well: Rituals for
Celebrating Life and Mourning Death. Perhaps the best advice she
provides is reminding us we need not be rushed into a meaningless
ritual, but can choose the time and place most appropriate for our
needs and more importantly, that these rituals are for the benefit
of the living rather than the dead.
Planning the Ceremony
I prefer to speak at length with several family members, in person
if at all possible, to plan a memorial service. I may not use all of
the information, but these conversations allow me to get to know the
deceased and determine the family's immediate pastoral needs. This
is also an opportunity for family members to express themselves in a
safe environment without fear of judgment. There are many
misconceptions about grief in our society and many well-meaning
friends may offer platitudes that hurt and offend rather than help
the bereaved. I do what I can to prepare the family for such
occasions and assure them of the legitimacy of their own particular
grief.
I recommend giving some thought to the following questions as we
plan the most appropriate memorial.
1. What made the deceased a unique person? What were his or her
values and how can we honor them in our own lives?
2. Would it be appropriate to invite anyone who wishes to do so to
come forward to speak or should specific people offer prepared
eulogies?
3. What readings and music should be included, if any?
4. Where will the ceremony be held? Funeral home, graveside, private
home, public property
5. What are the beliefs and values of both the deceased and the
bereaved? Will a variety of religious traditions and beliefs about
death need to be respected?
Types of Ceremonies
Funerals
Several of these terms are synonymous but with different
connotations. A Funeral is essentially a memorial service but is
generally considered to be more formal and usually takes place in a
house of worship or at a funeral home. Funerals are expected to
occur fairly shortly after the death and occur with the deceased's
remains present.
Memorial Service
A Memorial Service can be held virtually anywhere and at any time
and need not have the deceased's remains present. I have presided at
Memorial Services from three days to ten years after a death. I
recommend taking one's time in planning a Memorial Service and not
feeling rushed by social expectations.
Celebration of Life
A Celebration of Life is simply a Memorial Service with a different
name. I like the terminology, but I have found some people feel it
avoids the primary task of addressing grief. The title can be
important to the people charged with planning the ceremony and their
wishes should be respected.
Interment
An Interment can be part of a Funeral or Memorial Service, or it can
be a ceremony in its own right. Like Memorial Services, Interments
are not necessarily held immediately following a death. I officiated
the Interment of a woman's ashes marking the one year anniversary of
her death. Interments can be graveside in a cemetery or memorial
garden or they can be in someone's backyard or even a public place.
Knowledge of state and local ordinances is imperative in these
instances.
Private Grief Ritual
Sometimes a public or communal ritual is deemed unwelcome or
unnecessary and the bereaved prefers to ritualize the loss in a more
intimate or even strictly private setting. Miscarriage is a deeply
painful, but socially ignored loss in which ritual can be extremely
important to the healing process. Sometimes the bereaved prefer a
private grief ritual because the social pressure of a communal
ritual is more than they can handle until more time has passed.
Clergy need not be present at such an occasion, but can provide
valuable assistance in helping create the ritual.
Offering Love and Support to the Bereaved
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Give them the opportunity to talk about the deceased and share
their memories.
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Provide the human touch with a hug, handshake, touch on the
shoulder.
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Attend the memorial service if possible.
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Share your memories of the deceased.
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Send a "Thinking of You" note at any time.
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Remember the bereaved on holidays and special days that might be
particularly difficult for them.
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Cry with them.
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Make a concerted effort to include the bereaved in your social
circle, don't let them drift away.
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Understand that depression with grief is normal.
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Offer to help and then follow through.
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Call before visiting and then visit.
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Listen patiently, even if they share the same story many times.
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Use the words, "die" and "death," do not use euphemisms,
particularly with children.
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Use the deceased's name.
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It is okay to tell them, "I have no words to make things better,
but I am there for you."
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Encourage them to call you for _____ (be specific: lunch,
shopping, etc.)
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Be prepared for unusual behavior from the bereaved.
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Give support, not judgment.
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Avoid cliches, "I know how you feel." "Life goes on." "It's a
blessing." Be authentic or be silent and just listen.
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Don't expect every grieving individual to go through the same
emotional states or place a time limit on their grief recovery.
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Be there.
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