What I Won't Do

When I pronounce the Declaration of Marriage, I will never use the phrase "man and wife." I pronounce a couple, "husband and wife." If you think I'm being prickly, say the following sentence out loud. "I now pronounce you husband and woman." Sounds pretty stupid, doesn't it? Besides, while I am legally able to render an adult male standing in front of me a husband, I have neither the authority nor the wherewithal to change him into a man. That's his wife's job.

I'm afraid I cannot bring myself to ask the bride's escort, "Who gives this woman in marriage this day?" People are not property, and yes, this particular phrase gets my feminist hackles up. Women are not something that can be bought, sold, given away or returned. Instead I ask the bride's escort, "Who presents this woman to be married this day?" or "Who brings this woman to her wedding this day."

 

I cannot in good conscience include a charge to a wife to obey her husband as part of the vows. Being married for well over a decade I think I can say with some confidence that anyone expecting obedience has an unrealistic view of marriage. Not to mention it takes a lot of the fun out of it. The relational dynamic in a marriage should be one of creative and transformative power, not one of subjugation.

Many people ask me about the "...if anyone has any objections...." line. That's Hollywood. The real wedding liturgy asks if anyone knows of any reason why the two should not be joined in marriage. The issue here was one of identity not jilted lovers or disappointed parents. In a time before photo IDs and databases, someone from a few villages away could abandon one spouse and start up housekeeping with another if no one knew about the first family. This question is now dealt with by the Clerk of Courts office in the marriage license process. There is simply no reason for it to be included in a wedding these days. So it isn't a matter of refusing to do it, it's just pointless.

 

I admit it, I am an unabashed prude. I cannot bring myself to do a nudist wedding. I'm too self-conscious about my own body and way too prone to the giggles to get through a wedding viewing someone else's. Trust me, you don't want me goggling at something I haven't seen in quite that way before. The bride should be the only one blushing that day.

 

I won't jump out of an airplane with you. I'll be more than happy to join you in marriage once you two airborne love birds reach terra firma, but there is not an officiant fee large enough to get me to sky dive as I solemnify your marriage. Try it. Make an offer. I won't take it....Really.

 

On a more serious note, I do not officiate weddings where one or both of the parties is below statutory age and has had to obtain parental approval for the marriage license. Although such a marriage would be perfectly legal, I am personally uncomfortable unless both parties have full majority status under the law.

 

Other than what is stated above, I'm pretty open and inclusive. If you have an idea, I bet we can put something together for you.

 

Oh, I just thought of one more thing. No snake handling! Sorry.